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I think the most hurtful in the world is the hurt you feel
from rejection of those you love the most. I think when we love or care for
people, we try to show them who we are and give them our best selves. When you
do that and those people reject you, it hurts to the core of your existence. At
least for me, that is the case. I can only control so much and I only wish to
control things about myself, regarding myself. However, there are still
limitations on what I can do.
Physical appearance has never been something I have spent
much time worrying about as far as myself is concerned. I have always put my
focus and efforts into who I am. To me that is the most important thing.
Unfortunately, most other people do not place the same value on who you are, as
much as what you look like. This has mostly caused problems with my
relationships with men. Which is really unfortunate. I always thought, as I got
older, the physical would not be valued as much as it still is. I always
thought that I would find someone that would love me for who I am, I know, who
I am is great.
The standard of beauty in society today for the most part is
unobtainable and not even real. Though not everyone claims to subscribe to the
societal standards of beauty, it is something that is still important in a
relationship. I have always been someone who falls in love with people for who
they are. I can meet a person and not find them physically attractive but once
I get to know them they are the bees knees to me. That is always been how it is
for me.
Most recently, I have lost about 100 lbs. It has been a
challenge, as I have talked about many times, weight has always been an issue
for me. I think I am in the best shape I have been in, since I can remember. I
was recently reminded, though, that even at my current best, it is still not
good enough.
Yes, maybe I was stepping way out of my league in this
situation. But I really just thought for a magnitude of reasons, I stood a
chance. When you meet someone that you find depth in, you think that they would
be more like you, in your thought processes. In many ways we are, but I guess
we are more different than we are alike.
In a lot of ways, though it was very hurtful, knowing and
having the truth of the situation, point blank and blunt, was helpful. Its crazy
because in some ways I almost just don’t believe it, but I know it is the
truth, I have felt it many times. I think that it is just a way for me to cope
with the pain of a wound that is very deep. How can I ever overcome something I
am constantly reminded of by the people I just want to be loved by the most…
Maybe it is not something for me to overcome but to accept. At the end of the day I love myself and I know I am beautiful in my own way, even if that is not skin shallow...
Maybe it is not something for me to overcome but to accept. At the end of the day I love myself and I know I am beautiful in my own way, even if that is not skin shallow...
