It’s been a minute. So much has been going on but it’s a whole lot of nothing. I have probably been needing to blog for a while because I feel like I have all this built up emotion inside of me and I haven’t been dispensing it.
I guess one of the hardest things in life to deal with is change. We as people enter these comfort zones and we become content. Once something is disrupted we become upset and a lot of times people don’t know how to deal with these disruptions. I just try to stay positive during my disruptions and think of Taking Back Sunday and sing to myself "I have crawled home from worse than this..." music gets me through my day to day... also I realize their are greater problems in the world than my little issues.
I don’t really know where I am going with this but I’m going in the direction of my thoughts, which are scattered all over.
I am trying to find words to put my feelings overall into prospective and it’s hard. I guess the most relatable way to describe what I am feeling is that I am heartbroken and disappointed. And disappointed in the worst way, disappointed in myself.
I’m upset at myself for not pushing myself more, for not making myself *excuse me phone call*, okay what was I saying. Oh yes, for not making myself do somethings, despite me feeling uncomfortable I should have pushed myself to do it and get it done. I am the type of person where if I get something in my head I do it. This can be a really good quality and a bad quality.
I am disappointed for being so afraid of things. Things that I feel are so stupid, but I don’t know maybe they are not stupid and it’s just intuition. I guess if something makes me feel uncomfortable it makes me feel uncomfortable, I have been in a lot of situations where others would be like hell no and I have come out okay but I don’t know. I guess it goes back to pushing myself to do things. But I let my fears control me more then I like to admit so I think I need to start just working on this!
I am disappointed that I am heartbroken. And I’m heartbroken because I am disappointed in others. Because I put faith in people that I know I shouldn't’t. I trusted someone even though I have had doubts over and over again but I always try and give them the benefit of a doubt. The benefit of a doubt, because at one point things were good and hope sometimes overpower all other emotions and instincts. I am disappointed and heartbroken because people say they are going to change and they do not. Because people say they are sorry and they don’t mean it, because if they meant it they wouldn’t repeat the actions. Because people are dishonest. Because this isn’t the 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd time this person has let me down.
I am heartbroken because I really want to pick up my phone and call someone, someone that is no longer a part of my life but for some reason I feel like he would be able to make me feel better just because he for whatever reason just always can. This makes me feel dumb and confused! Also, I feel that could only lead to more heartbreak or disappointment because I probably wouldn’t be given the time I need. He has a girlfriend so you know, no time for friendship, but then it goes back to my thoughts of how there was never really a friendship and I guess I just romanticized the entire thing. And I just want to tell him how big of a mistake I think he’s making with this girl, he just doesn’t learn his lessons. I can see right through her. He’s so dumb, soo soo soo dumb. She’s going to break his heart, maybe not today or anytime soon but she will. She’s too young and I know him too well. Even if she doesn’t think she’s too young she is. Everything inside and out tells me it’s wrong. But I’ll keep my mouth shut, he wouldn’t listen anyway. He never has! And this disappoints me because the fact that I want to express this to him just shows me that I care, and I really should not. But I really just want to pick up the phone and cry my eyes out to him none the less. But I hate him all in the same breath. Hes not even that great, nothing I make him out to be. Nothing at all. Or is that just self comfort talking? I'm in completely control of the situation too. I put myself in this position o feel this way because really I never have to see this person if I choose not too. I guess in my mind by placing myself in the presence of this other person, though it makes me uncomfortable, helps me build tolerance so that when the time comes I can just set everything aside and be the friend that they need. I have a lot of built up anger towards this person! Which I don't know why I would endure all this for someone else. Which after typing all of this, it just makes me feel like I am absolutely nuts-o in the head. SO what I need to do is walk away from the situation, I was doing really well but there are other things that draw me into the equation. However my commitment to the gym and getting back on track with a healthier life style will help me walk away from the situation. I just have to use self control and say N O!
I also think its funny how I am so focused on him ^ and not others. But I guess it makes perfect sense really, I focus on things that bother me but not to the extent that others do. I am eating the pie crust but not the delicious inside!!! YUMMMMMMMMMMM!
It’s just so funny how when you are young you just want to be an adult and then when you reach the point of adulthood you just want to go back. I never thought I would be 25, single and feel that I haven’t really accomplished that much from my life. I have had a lot of great experiences and I feel that I have learned a lot about life and have so much more to learn. I wouldn’t really change too many things I have done in my past, because I think that my experiences have defined me and made me the person I am. I am a good person. I think that is a lot more than some can say for themselves.
Tomorrow I will be going back to work. This could be a good thing, all this time off has maybe given me a bit too much time to think. I packed myself a healthy lunch and am going to get back into a good routine. I will also be back in the gym Monday, I have to lose some weight and get fit more than skinny because I am very out of shape. I think that’s all for now. I feel a bit better, but more blogs over the next few days or so should do me well.
I need some new music anyone have any suggestions? I need a heart song.
