down. Its usually the simplest things that can bring it all back. This time I have decided to approach it in a different way.
If I was to produce or have written “Dear John” this would have been on of my featured letters:
Dear John,
Sophia called me the other day and told me you had inquired about my well being. It was an awkward moment since you hadn’t been spoken of in months. Now I am unable to rid of you from my thoughts. I’m in Central America somewhere between Costa Rica and Nicaragua, we are heading to the base of the Rio Grande in Matagalpa. It’s beautiful here, a lot of the land is undeveloped, the rainforests meet the coastline, the roads are unpaved and have proven to be quiet unforgiving. The culture here is colorful most people are friendly to Americans, are curious to see us so far off the beaten path and are helpful to our needs. I have fallen victim of theft though about 5 times now, nothing important lost, I went through three cameras which was painful, I just wish they would have left my memory cards, but I could expect nothing less from areas so stricken by poverty. However, the sense of people hood and genuine care for thy neighbor is overpowering. It makes you wonder if how we do everything in our lives is really so right!
As I lie in my hammock and gaze into the stars I see your eyes and then I laugh to myself. I think of the time you wore those tacky clothes and danced in the closet with that hat or the night we laughed about “la Jamaica”. The day we chased each other with water or the nights we spent in the garage. Then my thoughts wonder to the nights that you cried on my shoulder and I cried on my drive home. Or the night that you promised you wouldn’t hurt me again and I wanted to believe you but I couldn’t, but I still stuck around. The night we threw that book in the woods, you stupid Gala Apple. I hear your voice, but all I can hear you say is “ I know I am in love with you”, then I feel my tears on my own skin.
I don’t think that I cry for the loss of a love, but of the loss of a friend. A what I once thought was a best friend, an open book of blank pages which I filled with my thoughts, an insightful ear that would listen, a mind that would understand.
We all know what we want in someone else and out of a relationship. In our minds we paint this image of how our lives will be and who they will be spent with, these images become flawlessly sealed in our minds. Time and time again we find someone with most of what we want, then fabricate their perfection in our minds and become blind to the truth. I often wonder how much of what I thought was my reality was a fabricated fantasy of what I want. Then I hear in my head, the loud dinging of a bell, my heart and mind have entered the ring. They have been fighting for over 3 years and we still don’t have a winner.
My heart fights for what I know was there, for what I felt, for what I saw in your smile. That smile that was my own. It fights for your tone, that night, it fights for the words you spoke with such anger, yet so much passion. It fights for the string that dangles me from your words, for that little bit of hope that still lingers there. Big and strong my mind pushes through, no, no, no don’t be fooled. Games built upon lies, lies built upon games. It was never real, naive as always, giving too much credit where it is not due or deserved. My mind has a heavy foot in my path, it stands strong and holds still and it currently is in the lead of this battle.
My thoughts of and for you have ceased. Whether it be the lack of concern I now carry for the matter or my body now demanding that I rest. Just know that tonight I will dance. I will dance to the most beautiful music the ear has ever heard. I will kiss the clouds as I am spun on my way, like a star shooting through the night. With the stars I will be, with the stars I will dance, for this will be the greatest romance.
Love always,
Ashley
…that was fun and felt amazing to write… Good nite world. Thanks for reading!
