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My heart is so sad. I find myself in and out of almost
consciousness. I miss him. I feel the void again, the gap the opening in my
soul that lends to me search… The search that has been a constant in most of my
life. I never really knew what I was looking for until I found him. It was a
sense of calm in the chaos of my mind. A late night conversation, for hours and
hours and hours. His smile. The time that was spent doing nothing but those
moments greatest you have ever had. Those were the most horrifying for me. I
often think back to the one night where, we just made lemonade and guacamole,
wrestled, laughed and that was it. Of all the days and the nights we had, that
was my favorite, it was horrifying and powerful. Horrifying to know that
someone had so much power over me, someone had such a grip on my heart.
I keep blaming myself for so much. He said I did things he didn’t
like and I did allow myself to get caught up in things I shouldn’t have, things
I knew I couldn’t handle. I always knew what I was doing and in the beginning I
think I went about things the wrong way. I was caught off guard. Being a person
who has always been well calculated in how I move and what I do, this was not
planned. I knew what I felt but I did not understand why, my feelings were
instant. Many things I guess I still do not understand and maybe I never will. I
keep saying I didn’t articulate myself properly as to what I wanted. Maybe I
should have said, you can have all the time you need, I will wait. But what
will I wait for? Something I was never able to articulate, something maybe I
have not ever understood. At the end of the day, I just wanted to be around, be
a part of his life, to be included. For him to know he could count on me and in
return, I just wanted his love and respect.
At this point I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say
anything to him. I feel disconnected. Maybe I said too much, even though I
always felt as though I never said enough. I think it was one of those situations where
we tell ourselves, if he just knows how I feel, he will have to understand, he
will have to love me, how could he not?
As women I think we do this a lot. I
also think we go about showing this or telling this in the wrong way. This time
I just did it openly and honestly. Which I must say has been a very challenging
but also rewarding process. Though I am in some ways at a loss, I know that I
was honest, 100% honest. Which is fair to him and more importantly me. I find
some comfort in knowing that I did everything I really felt I could to show him
genuinely who I am as a person. I think this is all so hard because I feel like
I have lost a connection.
But he told me it was never there to begin with. So what am I waiting for....?
But he told me it was never there to begin with. So what am I waiting for....?
