Sooooooooooooooooooooo today is a big day for me and I can’t sleep. I took a nap today and it just fudged up my sleep completely. I’m a little nervous about today that maybe another cause of my sleeping issues and then there is this other reason… let me tell you a little story…
Last night I was having phone issues and I needed to use a phone. Given I don’t have a house phone I searched around for someone else cell phone so I could make a quick phone call to check up on something that was really important. So I couldn’t find anyone else phone, it was about 1am okay, so I went and grabbed my cousins phone. This is the cousin that just went on my cruise with me and has been staying with me for a couple days until she leaves tomorrow, well actually I have to drive her to the airport in about 2 ½ hours. So I went to use her phone, well people I have a black berry and they are completely different from cell phones, and her phone I think is a bit of an older model so I was trying to figure out how to end the phone call and I wound up in her text messages.
I didn’t really read the messages at 1st but then something caught my eye… well it turns out that my cousin was texting about me for most of the day. I went through and read all of the text messages at this point. They said various things, like “….I would have had more phone if I would have went with you or someone I liked (referencing the cruise)” “…Don’t look at her pictures on MySpace because no one will want to look at mine, she stole ½ of mine any way…” “…She was mad because no Jamaican men were hitting on me and not her…” “She was already planning our next trip and I was like ummm no” “I should have listened to her (referencing her older sister) she warned me about her and not to go” “she is studying child psychology which I have talked about doing that for forever and she is just doing that and all these things so she can say she did them 1st….”and a few other things that I don’t remember.
So I become beyond pissed off because I feel very betrayed at this point, not only is she talking mad shit about me but she was practically sitting in front of me and text this so I just think that’s pretty fucked up. Like if you got beef dish it you know…
I had no one to vent to and it was just boiling up inside so I made a lil post of facebook and myspace b/c at the moment they were my only outlets! Finally Ang logged on, so I start talking to my friend Ang and asking her if I am over reacting b/c Im pissed. I really wanted to tell my mom but keep in mind again its like now prob 2am, Ang tells me I have a right to be angry so I keep on keepin on.
I hear my mom is awake and she’s yelling at my cat so I ran to her and I go off. I’m ranting on and on… I guess at some point my cousin woke up and was listening to what I was saying and talking about with my mom, but we were unaware. But we heard the bathroom door open and I checked to see that it was her. So shortly after that I leave my mom’s room, I go in my room to get my pillow and sheet b/c I decided to sleep on the couch my cousin was in my room on a different bed and I didn’t want to be around her! And I noticed her phone was gone from the counter, so I at that point knew something was up because why would she have even noticed it was gone?
Im lying on the couch and she comes out and asks if she can talk to me. Im like go… she was basically crying and saying she was sorry and that she didn’t mean what she said. She said that she was home sick and that we have different personalities and that she was sure she was just as annoying to me as I was to her. And I made a comment somewhere about her talking to her sister about me and she said she was “just trying to bond with her sister”. She also asked me not to punch her in her face… lol.. I was pissed I did say that above right and I had told my mom that I wanted to punch her face in. I was very wired, short on sleep, pissed, upset and aggravated. Luckily for her I am not a violent person otherwise she might have got straight jacked in her shit.
Now all of this sounds stupid and childish because it is, so I’m wondering how it makes me seem because I’m letting it affect me. But it really hurt my feelings that these things were said about me. When my feelings get hurt I put up a wall and I get angry. Simple as that.
I felt really bad because she started to cry and whatever. Because I know she is a lot younger than me, she’s only 18 I think… so I mean idk. I kind of felt like maybe I was overacting a bit but the more I think about it I don’t think I am. My feelings are hurt and that’s that. Mean things were said for no reason and I don’t appreciate it, I’m not a stranger, I am family and I do not deserve to be talked about like that.
So here is my beef.
1 I think its fucked up that she would say the mean things she said about me when I really didn’t do anything to her at all and most of what she said was not true, so she was lying. If she had just been talking to my cousin maybe I wouldn’t have been so mad but she was talking to others. I mean families do drive each other crazy and I think that talking amongst ourselves is okay.
2. My older cousin. She responded to a couple of the texts like “I told you so” and “she was annoying for 3 days in NY….” I don’t remember what else she said. This really just humors me. Oh she also posted on my facebook that if I had an issue with someone I should talk to them face to face and not broadcast it all over. Yet, you obviously have a problem with me enough to “warn” people about me and shit but you don’t say anything?! Also my cousin said to me “I was just trying to bond with my sister” so what is this Ashley Bashing bonding experience? Something regularly talked about? I just think it’s funny that I’m being called annoying by her! I mean given the source it really shouldn’t bother me and it kind of doesn’t, its more funny I think but I guess what I really wanted to say to my older cousin is that she can go fuck herself. I think I will. Excuse me I am going to do that now, on facebook, publicly and broadcasting it everywhere.
3. She said that I stole ½ of her photos. This to me means that I took her photos posted them on my myspace and facebook and claimed them as my own. This is NOT true at all. I am very passionate about my photographs. (This prob is really what I am sooo mad about) I pride myself on my photos, they are images of my life, a visual diary. It is my art, my therapy and a huge part of my life! I would NEVER EVER take someone else is work without giving them credit. I did download her pics onto my computer because she had a picture of myself which I wanted and 2 she had the video of the Jamaican man that we saw on the beach. I would have taken my own video but I didn’t have my point and shoot camera with me which takes video. But I didn’t take credit for it, I just said it was my most favorite part of the Jamaica. Also, this bothers me because we had gone to NYC in Oct of last year and some of the pictures that she has up on her myspace are pictures that I took. I don’t get any credit for that, it bothered me for a split second, but I was like well its just my cousin, no biggie. But I really think the fact that she texted this is really what upsets me most. I would never take someone else work and claim it as my own. How it was meant doesn’t matter point is it was said. Really and honestly, Im very insulted.
4. Its just fucked up!
That is all I really just feel so much better now. I really do. I should have maybe said something to her today, maybe I should have but, I really felt bad about making her cry and upsetting her, but the more I think about it I don’t feel so bad. It was just awkward and I usually need time to think things over before I open my mouth and today was my thinking day and this is me opening my mouth… If it was some random person I would have probably went off and not thought about it but its not its family so.
I probably contradicted myself several times throughout this but it just me thinking and typing. I feel much better. I just needed to get it all off my chest!
Like Kat Williams says “ if you aint got haters you ain’t doin nothing right”
