People will always have an opinion about the choices that
you make in your life. People have never really agreed with mine. However, I am
always made my own decisions, given, I will hear anyone out that I think has
good intent or my best interest in mind. But, I will always make my own
decisions, uninfluenced, by much of anything other than my own intuition,
understanding of people and life experiences. I think this is what sets me
apart from most other people, I tend to pave the path for people to follow…
I have recently let someone re-enter my life. A lot of
people have had very strong opinions about this and some people have and a few
more may exit my life because of it. I will sit and wish them a safe farewell.
Though you may not agree with my decisions, they are my own and I will stand by
them. This person and I have history, history, of over 13 years. Though time is
not a gauge of loyalty nor value, it is a bank of memories and experiences,
love and hate, danger and safety and an overall display of character long term.
He has been someone who has always been there for me as I have been there for
him. Over the past few years we had hit
a fairly rough patch and there were challenges. I feel like we have climbed the
mountains, we reached the top and have now descended into the valley where we
can sit and look at what we just overcame. I think that is a true testament of
a relationship. There is always give and
take and some times you may need to take more than you can give.
And now here comes the really honest part. This was a
completely selfish move. I selfishly allowed this person to come back into my
life. I wanted to check myself; I wanted to see where I was at not only with
him, but with someone else, as well as myself. How much could I be tempted and
where did my heart really lie? How much could I dance with the devil if I
really loved an angel? I have my answers, honestly, though; I can’t say it was what
I was really hoping for.
He, does not set my soul on fire. He does not move me, the
way I am moved by someone else. He does not spark my creativity. He doesn’t
make me want to be better in every way. I don’t want to cater to him; I do not
want to make his life comfortable. He does not speak with and connect with my
soul. I love him, but I am not in love with him and I wanted to be.
I wanted to be able to look at him and trust him. I
wanted that feeling I had in the car at the boardwalk in AC. I wanted to feel that deep
connection. I wanted to want to give him everything. I wanted to want to build
with him. But I don’t, I never have, he was always just a way for me to settle. Settle comfortably. This time he was an easy out for me, an out of my
heartbreak. An easy out of not having to go through the emotional chaos that is
in my head, that I am just not able to accept. He is comfortable. He is
stagnant. He is not growth. He was an easy way for me to tell myself, that this
past year has just been a distraction and everything I felt wasn't even real. But it was. He is not. Nor will he ever be.
Self checking and realization is a powerful thing. If you can't call yourself on your own bullshit, you are in trouble. #knowyourself
