My random texts aren’t random, they are reaches. Reaches for your attention, reaches because I feel lost, reaches for intellectual stimulation, reaches for a feeling of understanding and belonging, for connection, to save me from the weight I carry and the hurt that I feel. Lately though, the random texts just add to the hurt as they don’t offer a response.
Another sleepless night.
I know all things come into light, all reasons will be revieled and an understanding will be gained. I’m ready, so ready to understand why the only real connection I have ever felt with someone is with a person that wants nothing to do with me. A person that is so broken, so hurt and so unopen to love.
Social media can be a blessing and a curse. So the other day his ex gf popped up in my suggested friends. So I decided to look, and what I saw was the man that I see, every time he smiles. He said I think I’m in love. He brought her flowers and showed up with wine. It made me smile in so many ways and then it made my heart crumble more than it ever had before... because I saw him happy and I also then understood his pain. I also saw how I could remind him of her. Her words and mine, have been shared, so I gained an understanding. But st the end of the day, I am not her, my words are not empty, my lips are not loose.
I think though the greatest gain was to know that the truth is, he is who I think he is, he just can’t be that person anymore, at least so he says. But you can only bury who you really are so deep. Someone will come and dig you out and set your soul on fire again. The deep pain is having to accept I’m not the spark. Which leads me to wonder, why is he mine? E is my only source of warmth, of light, and that sense of comfort that a fire brings....
But I am not his spark.
Another sleepless night.
