Everything in life is smoke and mirrors. Is it human nature
to want to feel as though we fit in and as we belong or is it deeply rooted
social programming? I am so not sure and it may be a combination of both. For
me I just want to know the truth, I want to feel the truth and I want to
process it.
You can go online and read anything you want to find. I want
to find an article about heartbreak and getting over someone and I can find it
and it will be written in a way that boost my ego and sends me off into my “I
don’t need a man” bullshit shit that all women tell ourselves. I can find
anything I want to make myself feel better. Someone out there has written
something for you, but it’s all not true. We all just tell ourselves things to
cope, to deal. I could call any of my friends and run my mouth and they would
just tell me everything he isn’t and finesse ego until my head explodes, but
it’s all not true. It is also not who I am. But how do you deal with something
when your source of pain, is also your only source of comfort. Better yet, why
is my source of comfort causing me pain? Why do I feel the disconnect?
Some days for me are better than others. Some days I am
stronger than others. To go through anything in this day in age is hard because
someone or something will always be there to remind you of what you are trying
to forget. Something or someone will always be in your way reminding you of
your greatest flaws. Something or someone will always be sure to show you why
you are not as good as the person next to you. No one is every there to show
you the right way, to lift you up, to comfort you… maybe that is my own fault?
Maybe those people do exist, I have just never let them in. I know I have
always been that person for many people, but I have always lacked that person
in my life. Sometimes I feel I am not meant to have that person, it is not my
purpose, I am meant to lift and carry the weight and the pain of those in my
presence. Maybe I am strong enough, but maybe I am not.
I think what hurts the most is that I thought I had that
person. I felt I had that person. And some how now, I feel like I have lost
them. That is the worst feeling I have ever felt. The greatest kind of heartbreak.
One I am not sure I will ever recover from…I lost myself.
