Blahhhhh. I feel so stuck. I am 5 seconds away from just quitting school, packing my shit, and just leaving. I don’t know where I would or will go. Some place I can find a job, live in peace and not be harassed by others. Is it even worth it?
When I get in this mood I want to talk to this person whom I use to call a friend, Phil, I don’t know why but maybe because I feel like he understands me. But I don’t know the truth of that statement because he doesn’t really know me or even that much about me. It’s just this weird feeling of comfort I always got from him, something from day one, something unexplainable, but I don’t think it would be the same as it use to be at this point. But I still go through these emotions and I get upset with myself for pushing him away. But then I just thought to myself, if I wouldn’t have pushed him away and I needed him right now just to talk to would he be there? Has he ever been there for me when I really need him? No, not really, unless it was convenient for him. That’s why I pushed him away. I made him hate me, because I couldn’t hate him, even though I was sick of being disregarded as a person, as a friend. And if he was really my friend knowing how I am, I would think he would just let me have my fit, do my stupid shit, cool down and talk about it, I would never loose a good friend over nothing. And I was nothing but the best friend to him, probably the best he will probably ever have, he won’t realize it until something major happens and he “needs” me. It will happen, it ALWAYS does, it already has, and it will happen again, it might even been a couple years down the road but it will happen. I think it was Fabalous that said “it’s okay to loose your pride over someone you love, but don’t loose someone you love over your pride”. Hmmm so maybe I just answered my own questions!
The only thing I really miss is our conversations & just his company, but when I weigh it out I don’t know if it’s worth it. I am proud of myself though because I have been really good about not even trying to talk to him, but I guess it’s nothing to really be proud about because my desire to communicate with him is gone. It’s kind of funny how when you really care for someone that they have no flaws, they become perfect in your eyes. Then once those feelings start to die out the true person really comes to life and surfaces because you stop making excuses for the person and really start to see who they are for what they are. I guess what I am really proud of myself is not apologizing. LOL. I am not going to either, sometimes I think I should just to be an adult, but I am not really sorry for what I did but I am sorry that my frustration got the best of me. I really crack myself up. I will never understand the feelings that I had towards him. Its really the weirdest thing ever. Like I trusted him but I always had my hesitations. I opened up to him a lot but not all the way. Maybe I was just afraid too or maybe it was always my insecurities which with held 100% of my trust. However, he did end up confirming all of my hesitations, so maybe I was right all along. The more and sit and think about the past 2 years of my life with him, I become more confident in my decisions. I will probably always wonder about a couple of things but I am pretty sure I know the truth! Yeah, I know the truth. This turned out to be a good blog after all, very refreshing!
