Man, I hate when I think I can handle things and I can’t. I’m sitting here crying like a baby........I need some music that’s what I need. Ahhh now that the Taking Back Sunday is playing lets vent…
I think it’s interesting when sensitive people tell me I am over sensitive. I like to view myself as a very strong person, but I don’t and have never thought I was as strong as I actually am or would like to be. But I think as all things in life becoming strong is a journey and it takes a lot of practice, trail & error. However, what really brews in my mind is why does it matter if I am sensitive or not? When you open up to people, people whom, you think are your friends you don’t expect them to hurt your feelings. I think when someone is a friend they are friend. When I trust someone, I give them my trust, my loyalty, honesty, my word, my word which is my bond, the only thing that I have to offer someone. I should not have to worry about or doubt one moment of anything in a relationship. If issues arrise then I expect them to be dealt with and talked out, agree to disagree. I am not someone who is inconsistent with my relationships with people. I don’t know how to say what I have all built up inside of me… I am not one typically at a loose of words…lets just do it like this
WHAT IF………………
• What if you came over and we hung out and had a “good night” together, tell them you to call me as they you left. Then when you call me the next day I ignore you the entire day? I would NEVER do this to ANYONE! I don’t care what I was doing or what was going on in my life, I would answer the phone. If it wasn’t a good time I would say “hey let me call you later” or something like that. WHAT IF I NEEDED YOU? Oh well. I guess fuck me huh? Because I don’t matter, its only about what you need.
• What if I told you things I didn’t mean and then started dating someone else within 24 hours and then didn’t talk to you for 3 months b/c I was dating someone? How much would you think our friendship meant to me then? Or even now? Whos to say it wolnt happen again?
• What if the piece of shit that, I cut you out of my life for dumped my ass, I called you crying? Would you call me back? Would you be there for me? *I was there for YOU! Yet, you are mad at me for nothing at all, you are just being stubborn, I call you upset, leave you a voicemail and you don’t even call me back. You would probably say something like I thought you were joking, and what if I was joking YOU need to prove yourself, be about what you talk about!
• What if you thought about me frequently just because we do have so much in common or have so much that we have talked about so things make you think of me but you don’t feel like you can pick up the phone and call me because I am going to ignore you for no reason?
• What if I called you every day because I needed you to talk to because I was having issues getting over someone or I just needed someone to talk to, then when I started to get over it and things started to get better, I just stopped being so attentive and just called you whenever it was covenant for me? And to top it off I’m just going to stop answering your calls and not even call you back when I see you have called? How would that make you feel?
• What if I told you I didn’t want to be with you because I didn’t want to take a chance of “ruining” our friendship and/or b/c you are like my sister. Then I touched your boobs and said “do you know how many times I have been sitting on the couch and my dick as ½ hard and wanted you to say you wanted to….” You could be pretty sure I would say “just joking”, when I call you out on it, but don’t fucking joke like that… BE CONSISTANT! I don’t walk around touching your dick!
• What if I constantly lied to you?
• What if I always made you feel left out?
• What if you really trusted me and you opened up to me like you have pretty much never opened up to anyone else in your life and I knew what you had gone through with other people, how other people made you feel bad and how other people had used you and made you felt used and then I did the SAME EXACT THINGS to you that others have done to you. And then I ignore you for a couple more months and then I one day "feel like talking to you" and tell you, “you just open your heart to people and you always get shit on!” And I was one of the people who shit on you? HOW WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? Then I sat there and said “I’m sorry for whatever I did that you are mad about?” even though you have spelt it out to me 100000000000000000 times.
• What if you tried so hard to be the best you could be for me and always for some reason never felt like it was good enough for me?
• What if I really hurt your feelings on several occasions, I know I hurt your feelings and then I don’t take you seriously when you try to explain yourself to me? What if I didn’t talk to you for months then just sat a table with you and expected everything to be honky dory.
• What if you pointed out to me what I do that makes you feel bad and I continue to do it? What if I know what hurts your feelings or makes up upset and I do them anyway?
• What if you had been friends with me for almost 2 years, spent HOURS AND HOURS talking to me about really personally, deep and real shit and I never even called you on your birthday or even said happy bday to you once, but I JUST MET and then dated someone for 2 ½ months and I sent her mom flowers for her bday! And then I complain to you that you didn’t say happy bday to me on my bday this year, which you actually did do through a text message (which I really knew it was you but I just wanted to throw it in your face b/c I wanted a reaction), then when asked I can’t even tell you when you bday is even though we have talked about it and had this exact conversation at least 10x’s.
• What if you made a few attempts to talk to me over the last month b/c you didn’t want to loose our friendship and I completely ignored you! Then today I decide to talk to you and I tell you “its because I am ready to talk!” How would that make YOU feel?
• What if every month or so we got into a fight over absolutely nothing and you constantly try to work it out and I am so stubborn, I wolnt talk to you, even though I KNOW HOW MUCH it upsets you and hurts your feelings? I just let it go. Would you be confused and not understand? Would you constantly feel like you can’t even maintain a friendship with someone, like you failed?
• What if you had feelings that had built up for 2 years, 2 fucking years, but never said anything b/c our friendship ment more to you than anything (even though I knew, I really did know you had feelings for me) and then I said things to you that obviosuly didnt mean, even though I still will NOT just say “I didn’t mean it”, even though you have told me it’s what you need to hear so that you can get over the situation, I won’t say it to you. Then when I get your feelings hurt and call you... so you suck up your pride and push aside everything that made you cry for the last 3 months and you are there for me even though inside it fucking killed you. Even though everyday you left my house you cried you entire way home b/c it kills you to see someone you care about so hurt and 2 becuase this person hurt you just as bad! Even though all of your friends told you, you were soooo stupid, that I was just going to hurt you again, you still came. Because you trusted that our friendship was real, maybe I would have changed, that I would have respected you more. Only come to find out that you don't, shit is the same way it always is. How would you feel about that?
• What if my words constantly play over and over in your head that I have said to you. What I said makes sense, the way I said it makes sense, but it cant be true, back and forth, back and forth! You just always feel like you did something wrong? You just don’t understand?
• What if after all of this someone just tells you that you are not pretty enough for me? someone very close to me tells you this? What if that is what you knew was the issue? What if you thought it was what had always given me hesitations?
• What if in your mind you gave me that 2nd chance, and I knew it was my second chance, I just didn’t change a thing? What if you felt like I knew you cared for me and I thought you would always be there for me no matter what I did to you, so I did whatever I wanted?
• What if you were not honest with me? What if you couldn’t trust me? What if everything I told you, you didn’t know if you could believe? Would you want to be my friend?
• What if all of the above involved me and you? Would you want to be my friend? Would you deserve me even being nice to you?
• What if you have just been so hurt by so many people that you just can’t trust anyone anymore and you just won’t open up to anyone, even if you wanted to and have in the past?
• What if you really do want to be my friend in hopes that I have changed but know it’s not true and just can’t take the chance? What if I wasn’t willing to prove it to you or put in the effort? I think you would just let it go.
………would you want to be my friend?
Man my eyes just feel like they are going to fall out of my head, I’m almost out of tissues. Nothing like rubbing salt in a wound!! Taking Back Sunday is amazing… All I have ever asked for or wanted out of any of this is a friend, the best friend I was told I had. Will anything go past today, NO, he wolnt call and persue getting to the bottom of the issue. It will just be let go, I guess it is for the best. Actions speak louder then words.
I don’t think I am perfect, I make mistakes but I am never afraid to say sorry or talk about what I did, said, and why. I may not always know where I’m going or what I’m doing but don’t hold that against me, my life is never as easy as yours, at least I have options. I am not selfish and I deserve good people in my life. I am not ready to settle for anything else.
I hope you have changed, I would really hope for anyone else to have to go through what I feel as though I have.
