So I am starting to think I am an idealist rather than a realist. Everyday it becomes more and more evident that things I want to be will never be and things I once thought exist don’t. But I can’t seem to give up hope or do believe that they do exists. I would like to think there is good in all people and I would like to believe people care when they say they do but I just don’t see it. Or maybe I just need to accept that I am different from everyone I know, that maybe I do “care too much” maybe it is possible for someone to care too much. I can’t believe that there are no other people that “care too much”.
I don’t know if things I want are going to work out. I don’t even know how much I really want the things I once wanted. So maybe I truly don’t care anymore, but now I want to try and care, but I can’t, I think I have truly given up. Or maybe I just don’t feel like I have been able to address everything that has bothered me, but I still haven’t been giving the time. I need to talk about it till I am comfortable with the situation. And if I can’t be given the time then I am not applying the efforts! I think that I am so torn on believe what is the truth and sincere as to what is not that my mind has just shut down on the matter. Like I want to believe that what was said was sincere but, I feel like I was also told something that I want to hear or something that was known that I would accept for an answer. Maybe I am not given the time because it is known that I do care and people are not convinced that there will never be a time when I am not “here” for them. But that time will come and it’s quickly approaching. Or is it here? Why am I trying to stop it?
I don’t know if I can let some things go and there are other things I need to deal with. I think one thing that I cant let go is the use of the word “best friend”.
I’d like to take a moment to share some definitions from the dictionary.
Friend: A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection; a person you know well and regard with affection and trust
Best: the supreme effort one can make; in a most excellent way or manner; the person who is most outstanding or excellent; someone who tops all others; having the most positive qualities
Affection: a positive feeling of liking; disposition or state of mind or body; Feeling or emotion, one of the three aspects of the mind, the others being conation (willing or desiring), and cognition (awareness); is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance
Trust: allow without fear; reliance: certainty based on past experience; have confidence or faith in; Confidence in or reliance on some person or quality; Dependence upon something in the future; hope
Confidence: assurance; freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; a feeling of trust; a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable; a secret that is confided or entrusted to another; Confidence is generally described as a state of being certain, either that a hypothesis or prediction is correct, or that a chosen course of action is the best or most effective given the circumstances
I mean these are not my words but I can’t say that I disagree to any degree. I guess I just have expectations set way too high, so high that no one else can comprehend or respect?
