I would like to 1st thank my friends for listening to me when I sound like a broken record. Everything in life is easier said than done, though we can all sit and say what I need to do, sometimes and usually always accepting what I need to do and then doing it is not as easy. So thank you for listening to my ass and dealing with me. I love you guys & girls!!!
Life is tough. But I am going to be tougher! I am really going to be okay. I always feel like I am being pulled in 500 directions and can never deal with me, but it is what it is and I am who I am for a reason, maybe the reason is I can actually handle it. Yes, I may have moments now and then, but I quickly recover!!I love blogging,it's amazing!!! It really helps me let it out and work on my life.
I think I came to a great realization tonight…
*sighs* I am not upset which is amazing and empowering! I could be slightly over reacting, but no, I don’t think so. I really think that these situations keep arising because I have not learned my lesson and when I think I should walk away from a situation or person I don’t, so then I get sucked back in and my feelings get hurt. This time though I think I have stood my ground fairly well and I can’t say I am 100% happy with myself because I did give in a little but not as much as usual. I think a lot of it is because I don’t care as much as I use too. I am really not the one at a loss. If a friendship was at discourse with someone who I truly called or thought was my friend and that person reached out to me to try and resolve the issues, getting back to and/or talking to the person and dealing with what needed to be delt with would be my #1, or at least at the top of my “to do list”, why because I generally care, even if I didn’t want to deal with it, I would because that just who I am. Not everyone is like me, but you know what I think they should be, so ha! I think that is the greatest issue and difference I have with most people, if I consider you a friend, then you are like an extension of my family and my family is my top priority, so you do the math! I am done with making excuses for others, no matter where people come from or how they were raised there comes a point in everyone’s life where we all decide who we are, who we aspire to be and then take the path to get to that place. Everyone struggles along the way, as have I, but I would like to think that I have not done it at other people’s expense.
Throughout this long, tedious, process, I have held on to someone by a very small, very thin string because #1 because I feel like I need some closure, but at this point I dont care and I know I will never get honest and truthful answers. So I have accepted it and am ready to move on and #2 I felt that I needed this person, this person is the “only person that really knows” me, the only person to whom I have ever opened up too. Well I ask myself whose fault is that? MINE! I am such a good preacher and I am a very shitty choirs. I have let my past control my future; I don’t open up to people because I am afraid that I will get my feelings hurt. I don’t communicate my true feelings to people because I am afraid of being rejected and becoming vulnerable.(isn’t that horrible, I think that if I tell people, well mostly guys that I like them they will just take advantage of me, i.e. like lead me on for things). My life has taught me that people are dishonest and cannot be trusted. HOWEVER, I am never blindsided by these occurrences, which is the hardest thing to admit! I have taught myself how to detect what’s real and what’s fake. Usually, though I do not listen to my intuition and open the door when I should be giving the boot. This is when I start to make the excuses, get my feelings hurt, etc… etc… I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but usually they end up proving me right in some way or another. Then it comes to the point where I completely shut down build a HUGE wall and do not let anyone it because I am sore, I am angry, and I am spiteful.
So then flip the coin and look at the few good people I have met, the people who I am proud to call my friends, my good friends, I can name them on one hand! But when I go into these “shut downs” how many “good” people have I passed up because I was afraid? I don’t know. Probably not a lot but, to me 1 is too many!
I think that there are alot of people in this world that think they are "good people" but they really aren't!
I am really standing up for myself and both of my feet are on the ground and they are not moving in any direction except forward!!!!!! Going from pushover to someone who stands up for themselves, is a very long and hard process, but I am really trying and I have come a long way! Because I speak my mind and/or I am no longer willing to take shit from alot of people, it really upsets a lot of people. I have been called a bitch a lot lately, but you know what, oh well! People can think what they want because I know I am not a bitch and the people who call me a bitch also know I am not a bitch and I think it drives them crazy.
A little public service announcement:
My life runs on my time, so get with it or get out.I am a really good and genuine person, I treat people really well, and I take care of my friends and family! I am like no other and I am worth it, just ask anyone who knows me(if you think Im not, ask yourself why you have read all of this, why would you care?. Also, reference all the people I have removed from my life begging to come back in!)Friendship, trust, and love from me come in the best, most loyal, and purest forms, but it is not something that is handed out, it is earned! If you want to be a part of my life then you need to show me, you need to prove yourself to me, if you are not willing to do this, please don’t waste my time or yours! Actions speak louder then words!
